No U-Turns and the Fluorescent Light Bulb Changing Spectacle

Generally, it's men who get the bad rap for refusing stop to ask for directions. In the interest of full disclosure, I must confess that I absolutely REFUSE to make U-Turns. I prefer to just "loop around the block", which works -- as long as there ARE blocks, and as long as they are squares or rectangles. I am also convinced that I have a "pretty good" sense of direction, and this belief is based on feedback from my 89 year old grandmother, who although she has never filled up a car with gas, knows more than most and certainly knows enough to realize that I am, AND I QUOTE, a "very skilled driver". My best friend begs to differ, but he has zero sense of direction as evidenced by his embrace of the U-turn at any and every opportunity.

"No U-Turn" is the philosophy which guides my life. I absolutely CANNOT just turn around and re-trace the EXACT SAME path that I just took, only to see the exact same stuff. I believe in moving forward. Occasionally, it may take a little longer, but you see some different STUFF, and, usually end up at your desired destination.

I am also extremely impatient, and I just cannot stop in the middle of some project, and I especially cannot stand to stop only because I lack the "right" tools -- especially when I have found that most things can be fixed with my staple remover. If, for some reason, I do not have the exact tools that are supposedly REQUIRED, that's when I "loop around the block" and improvise and KEEP MOVING FORWARD. This methodology is key, because when I finally do get the motivation to take care of some odd project that has been bothering me, I am acutely aware of how fleeting that motivation is.

Like today...
Our office space has fluorescent lights, which despite all propaganda to the contrary, are continually going out or flickering before going out. Sometimes it's the bulbs, sometimes it's the ballasts. I absolutely, positively, must be extremely well lit unless I am sleeping. Well, brightly lit, which may or may not equate to "well lit" by cinematic or other definitions. But, I'm not making movies, I'm working, and I need lots of lights on at all times. Our space is also painted an amazingly, light sucking, blood red, which was supposed to be a bright, cheery, primary red, but then there was gray primer, and anyway, it's a blood red light sucking cave. So, the burned out &/or flickering lights are unbearable and have irritated me every time I have looked at them for the past few months - or so. For whatever reason, the landlord does not seem to provide any kind of maintenance service, like light bulb replacement.I usually call the contractor who built out our space, and he sends out some lucky person to replace the bulbs. I was disappointed to discover that he has decided that just 16 months after the completion of construction at our office that he is no longer responsible for changing our light bulbs. He didn't TELL me this -- he just didn't respond to my e-mail. The writing was on the wall, though not in my inbox.

Due to my specialized training in the field of education, I know that all fluorescent light bulbs are not created equal. While the quality of light may seem equally crappy, there are levels of crappiness. We work with children in our blood red light sucking cave, and among other things, we train their visual processing skills. Fluorescent lights are terrible for vision, but there is one kind of bulb, the "good" kind, that is better than the other, a.k.a. the "bad" kind. I know this, because we have a very knowledgeable developmental optometrist, Dr. J., who explained all of this and told us that we absolutely, positively had to use only the "good" kind. Of course, when I decided that I absolutely, positively had to replace those bulbs as soon as possible, I couldn't remember which kind was good. I COULD have called Dr. J to find out, but that would be a "U-Turn" wouldn't it? I don't do "U-Turns", and besides, it would slow down the progress of my project. So, I decided to "loop around the block" and do some of my own "research" on the internet -- GOOGLE, not Wikipedia. (Anyone can write anything on Wikipedia, which I may do at some point soon given the success of this "do it yourself" light bulb changing project.

In no time at all, I found the "miracle" fluorescent bulbs, the BLUE MAX. I knew these were the best, because the company had the #1 ad placement on Google for "Full Spectrum Fluorescent", and #1 placement costs a fortune. I know it costs a fortune, since I created my own company's Google AdWords Campaign. So, my point is that I'm an educated consumer. Plus there was "independent research" and some graphs AND "before" and "after" pictures. So, I immediately ordered a dozen of the Blue Max, because my personal office requires exactly 12 bulbs.

Neither the fact that my office is painted super crazy bright yellow nor the fact that it has a wall of windows with a western exposure equivalent to the actual surface of the actual sun itself deterred my need for some miraculous full spectrum lighting. It can be difficult to embark on urgent and critical projects when others, like my co-worker, Y, are less than 110% enthusiastic about shifting gears from their OWN work. Y. seemed to be somewhat hesitant and confused by this suddenly extremely urgent bulb replacement project starting in MY office, where none of the light bulbs were technically burned out. I patiently explained that I wanted to be sure and try out the new super special lights FIRST, before subjecting the students to them -- just in case. So, we would:
1) remove my 12 perfectly good bulbs
2) replace them with 12 miracle BLUE MAX bulbs
3) use 4 of the 12 perfectly good bulbs from my office to replace the 4 burned out bulbs in the light sucking blood red student cave.

In the interest of full disclosure and safety, I confessed to Y. that my only real experience with fluorescent bulbs was one my grandmother had to "jiggle" with a broom, because it would sometimes get to flickering. The broom technique worked just fine until the time the bulb EXPLODED most spectacularly into a million little pieces - at least. While I told Y. that I thought safety glasses would most likely be recommended for the job (based on the previous exploding bulb experience), I think by now you realize that there was no way that I was going to STOP, "Make a U-Turn", and go procure safety goggles. I told her that I would wear my regular glasses, which have plastic lenses, and that she should not look up (just in case), and that she should be VERY CAREFUL handing the bulbs back and forth during the exchange of good for bad, or good for good, or however this should be described.

The other piece of equipment that the contractor guys used was a giant, sturdy ladder. But, we didn't have a ladder, and even if I WAS willing to "make a U-Turn" to stop in the middle of my project to go to Home Depot, I couldn't fit a ladder inside my VW Passat anyway. I suppose I could have strapped it on the roof, but that seems complicated and, frankly, DANGEROUS. There are always these fools with mattresses, plywood, and who knows what else on their roofs driving 100 m.p.h. on the interstate while trying to secure their deadly roof cargo with a white knuckled death grip -- no way was I getting involved in that kind of dangerous, not to mention deadly, stupidity. Even knowledge of the following facts could not make me comfortable with that kind of risk:
1)Home Depot is less than 2 miles from my office
2)the speed limits on the 2 roads are 25 mph
3)Home Depot staff probably would strap the ladder on my car so that I could still use at least one hand for driving the 2 miles back at 25 mph.

And, why would I, of all people, make a "U-Turn", when I could just "loop around the block". Less creative and determined individuals would have brought the project to a complete standstill with only the following on hand and 15+ foot ceilings:
1) 2 ft. Step Stool with wheels on the bottom that are supposed to disappear when you step on it and apply pressure - creating a sturdy base -- heavily discounted when purchased at T.J. Maxx -- perhaps a 2nd, but not sure why. Very pretty bright primary red to go with the blood red light sucking cave.
2) 1 ft. square plastic milk crate
3) round rolling table -- maybe 3.5 - 4 ft in diameter
4) rolling chairs
5) non rolling chairs

It had taken a couple of days after ordering the miraculous BLUE MAX bulbs for them to be delivered, and during that time I was able to:
1) realize the contractor was not coming to handle my urgent bulb replacement emergency
2) weigh the obvious dangers of transporting a ladder on the roof of my car
3)rule out using my giant exercise ball, the mini-tramoline(s), and wobble boards as potential ladder substitutes. Y. reminded me that at one point I had suggested a student try an exercise involving multiple raquetballs on the trampoline to make it more "fun" and thankfully she was there to suggest that it might not be safe for a child to jump on a trampoline with small hard balls potentially under their feet. Y. is perhaps not the most divergent thinker, but I deferred to her on THAT occasion.
4) realize that while we have LOTS of very cool isosceles trapezoid (used Wikipedia for this term, so it might not even be a real shape) tables that our students use, they are small and very unsteady despite their 4 legs. Knowing that this project would require multiple "tools" to reach the desired height, I ruled out those tables. Stacking them one on top of each other seemed too risky.
5) ulimately decide upon the ladder substitute of the rolling round table topped off by a non-rolling chair.

My co-worker, Y., finally announced that she had some time to stop HER work to help me with changing the light bulbs. Although it may have seemed that I was critical in my above comment regarding Y.'S divergent thinking abilities, I DO want to commend Y.'s problem solving skills: she came up with the idea of locking the wheels on the rolling table. Unfortunately, while the table is about 4 feet in diameter, the supporting legs form a 2 x 2 square of stability for a 150 lb-ish / 6 ft-ish person engaging in activities on TOP of the table. So, while the chair didn't roll, standing on top of the chair on top of the rolling table caused too much instability in the table. At this point, those with less determination would just go buy a ladder and strap it on the car despite all obvious dangers. I, on the other hand, remembered the milk crate. And, while the plastic milk crate probably wasn't designed to balance a 150 lb. person standing on top of it on top of a rolling table -- based on the flexing of the plastic gouging into my bare feet -- it was able to hold me up high enough so that if I really stretched on my tiptoes, I could unlatch the fluorescent light cover with the very tips of my fingers.

Aside from the exploding bulb, I seemed to recall that maybe in order to remove the bulb you just scrunched it over toward one side, popped out the opposite side, and then popped out the other side -- kind of like a battery. I attempted to scrunch, mindful of the risk of explosion as I am known as a stickler for safety. I don't apologize for being overly cautious. Why take unnecessary risks? I concluded that the bulbs must not pop out like batteries. Most importantly, I decided that in the future I will not refrain from gawking at construction people up on ladders, since you never know when you might need to know how to do whatever it is that they are doing up there. In the future I will just surprise them by climbing up the other side of the ladder to watch and learn, and perhaps ask to help. By being more pro-active, I think I will also boost the self-esteem of the worker by giving them the opportunity to share their expertise. It's common knowledge that the best way to learn is by doing. Well, the really best way is by teaching, so if Y. is lucky, I may teach her and share my newfound ladder / ceiling / construction knowledge. I digress. Back to the project at hand...

Since there were no construction people handy -- I sure wasn't going to waste more time by walking 3 doors down to the new Staples that they are building in our shopping center. The project ALMOST came to a complete halt until I remembered THE INTERNET. Y. did not seem as thrilled as I was when I found some directions on how to replace fluorescent bulbs. I couldn't have been more pleased to read the first sentence:
Changing a burned-out fluorescent lightbulb is only a bit harder than replacing a conventional one.
And,
Difficulty: Easy

Thank God I won't have to waste time climbing up ladders with random construction workers to learn how to do things, when I can use the INTERNET (Google, not Wikipedia). Apparently, instead of the scrunch over and pop out technique of battery replacement, the fluorescent bulb replacement technique involves quarter turn twists clockwise and pulling out. I paused for a moment as I stretched out to my very tallest possible on tiptoes and grasped the bulb with the very tippy tips of my fingers to contemplate the fact that "clockwise" depends on your orientation to the bulb. So, I just tried both ways, and there was a pop, and a small piece of plastic flew off revealing some metal underneath, but the bulb didn't explode and eventually I got that bulb out with only a couple of plastic pieces breaking off of the end holders. I could see that the plastic was not necessary, because those bulbs were not in any danger of falling out based on how long it took me to wrestle it out PLUS it's not like anyone would touch the exposed metal part when it is 15 feet up in the air. So, 1 down and 15 to go. Y.'s "job" was to hold the table still and keep the milk crate from sliding when the table sometimes wobbled. Her discovery of the locks on the table wheels made her job a lot easier. I am definitely out of shape as I was worked into a complete dripping lather of sweat after just the first bulb, but I didn't stop -- PERSEVERENCE! The physical strain and perspiration dripping into my eyes made it difficult to stand completely still and balanced while Y. took the old bulb and handed me a new bulb, since she had to leave her table / crate stabilization duty to go over to the box of bulbs. The effects of my new medications for my severely high blood pressure and cholesterol include dizziness, and while I was pretty sure the light headedness was caused by all the stretching and looking up into lights. (Yes, I realize the bulb changing directions above mention turning off the light switch, but if you turn them off, then you cannot see the 2 little pins on each end, which I can assure you are the KEYS to success in this endeavor -- PLUS, fluorescent lights aren't hot, so it's not like you'll burn yourself.) Anyway, as I mentioned, I do like to err on the side of caution, so I used the hinged fluorescent light cover attached to the suspended ceiling to stabilize myself while Y. exchanged the bulbs. Please do not think that I am so foolish as to believe that the flimsy light cover could support my full 150lbs - ISH of body weight. It would be foolish to stand on top of a flexing plastic milk crate on top of an unstable rolling table 15 feet up in the air, dizzy and sweating, without some kind of back-up emergency plan. IF, for some reason, the milk crate flexed too much and shifted causing the table to topple and the milk crate to shoot off, I am pretty sure that the light cover would hold me long enough so that I could drop down gently avoiding injury on the table &/or milk crate &/or boxes of a dozen plus fluorescent bulbs. I think I am, on the whole, a positive person, but I think it is pretty foolish not to plan for the worst case scenario in any given situation.

My co-worker, Y., started out as willing to assist, if not 110% gung ho. However, when I got a little dizzy and caused the table to wobble while she was across the room, her attitude seemed to take a turn. She should certainly know that I always have a plan, but for some reason she thought that I might possibly fall off and fall out the front floor to ceiling windows of my office, which were at least 2.5 - 3 ft. away. Thankfully, my confidence was buoyed by the support of the Staples construction workers who had gathered at those very windows during their lunch break. I could tell by the way they were smiling and nodding supportively - and even calling over other workers (even random strangers -- sorry to brag) that they were taking notes on my light bulb changing expertise. And, I think they realized that there WAS, in fact, a better way to change a light bulb, and it was worth giving up a lunch break to learn it from me. While I cannot be 110% certain of it, I like to think that each of them will be a lot safer when faced with the decision of whether or not to transport a dangerous ladder when there is ALWAYS another way.

With Y.'s help, I was able to replace my 12 bulbs with the miraculous BLUE MAX bulbs. The old, and supposedly "good" bulbs were pinkish and my new bulbs blue-ish, which could mean that Dr. J would say they are "bad". If so, I will show him the independent research, the graphs, the before and after pictures -- PROOF! I wish I could tell you that I was enable to enjoy the greatest productivity of my entire working career in my newly illuminated office. However, I had to go home once we finished due to being covered in sweat and being in a lot of pain from the muscles I pulled in my back from stretching and balancing so much on my tiptoes. I have to remember to let the guys at Staples know to rub down with icy hot and maybe take some Motrin before they utilize my bulb changing technique.